--- title: "Part Three: Repair Attempts" description: In Conflict Management, we will fail unless the conversation ends with each partner understanding the identified problem and the feelings behind it. image: https://reallifecounseling.us/hubfs/Imported_Blog_Media/iStock-1144287394-768x432.jpg --- [Skip to content](https://reallifecounseling.us/blog/part-three-repair-attempts#main-content) [Current Clients Homepage ](https://reallifecounseling.us/rlc-client-homepage) [Emergency? 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Often, simple conversations our derailed because one partner or the other is hurt in the process.  Old conversations, old hurts, and unresolved conflict resurfaces, and once again a conflicted conversation becomes an argument, and once again a issue goes unresolved. In Greenburg and O’Malley’s Handbook “Avoiding Love and Marriage,” we find three simple ideas to repair conflict, 1. The person who started the fight must be the one to end it. 2. The person who was wrong must be the one to end it. 3. If the person who started the fight and the person who was wrong are not the same person, the fight can never be ended. Think of these simple ideas above as values to follow.  The person, who did the hurting, needs to use the repair attempt. Below are a series of scripted phrases which are repair attempts.  Using these phrases will disrupt arguments and allow both of you to understand the other.  Through this understanding, solutions are possible.   ### *According to Dr. Gottman’s research, “Formalizing repair attempts by using these scripted phrases can help you defuse arguments in two ways: First, the formality of a script ensures that you will use the type of words that work well for putting on the brakes, and second, these phrases are like megaphones—they help ensure that you pay attention to a repair attempt when you’re on the receiving end.”*   ##  **I Feel…** I am getting scared Please say that more gently That felt like an insult I don’t feel like you are understanding me right now ## **I Need to Calm Down…** I just need this to be calmer right now Can I take that back? I need your support right now Can we take a break? ## **Sorry…** Let me try again I’m sorry I really messed up, I can see my part in this I want to say this more gently, but I don’t know how ## **I Appreciate…** I know that this isn’t your fault Thank you for… I understand I love you ### *This weekend, try using these scripted phrases in your conversations. I suggest starting with low-intensity topics before moving on to longtime hurts within your relationship.   When you notice your partner making a repair attempt, accept it and acknowledge it clearly.* [Couples Issues](https://reallifecounseling.us/blog/tag/couples-issues) Share On: [Follow us on Facebook ](https://www.facebook.com) [Follow us on LinkedIn ](https://www.linkedin.com) [Follow us on Twitter ](https://www.twitter.com) [Follow us on Instagram ](https://www.instagram.com) [![Final Brand Color_Horizontial Logo copy 12](https://reallifecounseling.us/hubfs/Final%20Brand%20Color_Horizontial%20Logo%20copy%2012.svg "Final Brand Color_Horizontial Logo copy 12")](https://reallifecounseling.us/) ## Get in Contact with us ## Front Desk: 360-619-2226 Fax Line: 360-326-9691 [**Locations**](https://reallifecounseling.us/real-life-counseling-locations) East Vancouver - 1498 SE Tech Center PL, Suite 300 Vancouver WA  98683 Salmon Creek - 2501 NE 134th Street, Suite 201 Vancouver WA  98686 West Vancouver - 3606 Main Street, Suite 205 Vancouver WA  98663 Battle Ground - 105 West Main Street Suites 205 & 207   Battle Ground WA, 98604  Spokane - 316 West Boone Ave Suite 377 Spokane, WA 99201 ## Useful Links [Insurance & Payment](https://reallifecounseling.us/real-life-counseling-insurance-resource-page) [Request Appointment](https://reallifecounseling.us/get-started) [Find a Counselor](https://reallifecounseling.us/counselors) [Real Life Community Behavioral Health](https://www.reallifecbh.com/) [How to become a client](https://reallifecounseling.us/getting-started-with-rlc) [Current Client Homepage](https://reallifecounseling.us/current-client-home-page) [My Health Data Act ](https://reallifecounseling.us/my-health-data-act) ## Services [Individuals](https://reallifecounseling.us/real-life-counseling-services-for-individuals) [Couples ](https://reallifecounseling.us/real-life-counseling-services-for-couples) [Teens ](https://reallifecounseling.us/real-life-counseling-services-for-teens) [Children](https://reallifecounseling.us/real-life-counseling-services-for-children) [ Client Portal Login ](https://rlc.reliatrax.net/ClientPortal) ## About [Our Story](https://reallifecounseling.us/about-us-jen) [Resources](https://reallifecounseling.us/community-resources) [Our Services](https://reallifecounseling.us/services) [Blog](https://reallifecounseling.us/blog) [Career Opportunities](https://reallifecounseling.us/employment) ![Screenshot 2025-09-29 at 9.05.07 PM](https://reallifecounseling.us/hs-fs/hubfs/Screenshot%202025-09-29%20at%209.05.07%20PM.png?width=100&height=153&name=Screenshot%202025-09-29%20at%209.05.07%20PM.png "Screenshot 2025-09-29 at 9.05.07 PM") [ Provider // Staff Login ](https://reallifecounseling.us/staff/1099-page) ## Interested in partnering with RLC or joining our resource database? Contact us at: rlc-marketing@reallifecounseling.us   © 2026 REAL LIFE COUNSELING  |  [Privacy Policy ](https://20047855.hs-sites.com/real-life-counseling-privacy-policy) ```json { "@context" : "https://schema.org", "@type" : "BlogPosting", "author" : { "@type" : "Person", "name" : "Joseph Klemz", "url" : "https://reallifecounseling.us/blog/author/joseph-klemz" }, "dateModified" : "2023-06-15T21:33:33.621Z", "datePublished" : "2016-01-24T06:00:01.000Z", "headline" : "Part Three: Repair Attempts", "image" : [ "https://reallifecounseling.us/hubfs/Imported_Blog_Media/iStock-1144287394-768x432.jpg" ], "mainEntityOfPage" : { "@id" : "https://reallifecounseling.us/blog/part-three-repair-attempts", "@type" : "WebPage" }, "publisher" : { "@type" : "Organization", "logo" : { "@type" : "ImageObject", "url" : "https://reallifecounseling.us/hubfs/unnamed.png" }, "name" : "Real Life Counseling, PLLC" } } ```